my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
