On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
