I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
