I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
