listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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