If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I need water and some morals
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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