So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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