You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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