Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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