dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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