Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
