the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
