We won't sleep together?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
