So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
