After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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