I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
