and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
