I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Everclear isn't food dammit
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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