Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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