I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
