I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We need a shit load of segways right now
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
