i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
