I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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