Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
