I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just pynch a tree in the face
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
