there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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