Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
did i just pee glitter
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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