Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
