you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
