Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
