dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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