She's JV to your varsity
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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