i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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