I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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