when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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