I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
