I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
