what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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