how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
