Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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