hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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