I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
