You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
