The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
honey bunches of taint.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Did I show you my penis last night?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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