Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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