you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We're too hungover to prance.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
