The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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