Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
