I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There's always time for handjobs
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
