i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
