I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
